me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
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Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!