My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
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Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit