Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
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I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂