It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
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Hello, my name is Pierre.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.