I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
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IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”