bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
You Might Also Like
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars