“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
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“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return