my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
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I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
LMAO
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I love the honesty
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
went fishing caught a bass
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone