I would like even faster food.
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“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!