I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
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“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour