[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
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i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?