Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
You Might Also Like
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
“What movie?” 🤔
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
😬
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.