“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
You Might Also Like
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Breaking news:
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠