Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
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The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
plums roundup
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.