Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
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If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit