If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
You Might Also Like
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Should I call tech support or pray or what
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me