I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
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Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?