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science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
vegan witches, happy halloween!
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail