“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
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Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap