All of my best ideas involve jail time.
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No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
He is just living hist best little life 😊
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
*frowns in Scottish*
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Huge, if true.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
He-man has a Masters degree
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do