I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
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I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
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BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain