Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
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Seekh Kebab
Not attention
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*