If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
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I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.