[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
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philosophical skeletons be like
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.