The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
You Might Also Like
[ouija board]
“helo??”
οΌΉοΌ―οΌ΅οΌ²β¦ οΌ³οΌ°οΌ©οΌ²οΌ©οΌ΄β¦
“shh its working”
οΌ·οΌ©οΌ¬οΌ¬β¦ οΌ‘οΌ°οΌ°οΌ₯οΌ‘οΌ²β¦
“omg”
οΌ‘οΌ¦οΌ΄οΌ₯οΌ²β¦ οΌ΄οΌ¨οΌ©οΌ³β¦ οΌ‘οΌ€β¦
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, βnot guilty,β Your Honor.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
*lights cigarette
Nah, donβt bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you donβt have to catch them.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
βkill them with kindnessβ wrong. crow attack
π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: letβs do this again
ME: thank god Iβm starving
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
What a website
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
βI CANβT EVEN WRITE NOW!β
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Dog: I didnβt do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now itβs on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone whoβs empty inside.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag Youβre Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldnβt sell records I suppose.