WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
You Might Also Like
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.