*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
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Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I have many caverns
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.