A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
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Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.