Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
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My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am