Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
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*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic