dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
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amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.