Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
You Might Also Like
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
peep davidson
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
how much for the angry fruit?
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
what does he know…
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.