Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
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Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.