The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
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I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.