I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
You Might Also Like
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Spa day..😅
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk