You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
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Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.