“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
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[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.