Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
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My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.