Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
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JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
wut hotdog?
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Bringing home a sharpie
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.