Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
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Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.