Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
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Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap