Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
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“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
my proudest tweet
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.