ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
You Might Also Like
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.