I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
You Might Also Like
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
won’t smith
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’