fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
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My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*