my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
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“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Chicago sounds lovely.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Camping tip: No.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.