Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
You Might Also Like
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
🌱🌱🌱
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man