If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
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DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
That de-escalated quickly
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.