take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
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I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.