A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
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“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.